Recently a friend and I were talking about how perfect some people appear on social media. We know it’s not really that way of course….right?
She flipped on her phone. “Look,” she said, “See this picture I posted?” It was a beautiful new porcelain compost container photographed against the pure white tile of her renovated suburban home. “It looks like it’s from a magazine,” I said.
“Yeah, well it was the only square foot of real estate I could find that wasn’t covered in clutter, cat hair and dust,” she responded. Well, she fooled me with just one photo. And she fooled the forty other Facebook followers who called her a goddess from heaven sent to teach the people of earth about sustainable housekeeping.
Those picture perfect couples holding hands in matching flannel shirts still fight. Their beautiful smiling babies still vomit all over their work clothes right before they’re ready to walk out the door. And that friend #blessed with a promotion at #dreamjob still has days she can related to this:
How to use photography to make it seem like your life isn’t falling apart: A Definitive Guide
You, too, can have a picture-perfect life online. As a lifestyle blogger I’ll teach you what you need to know. The trick, my friends, is how to successfully curate your life to look good. To look like it isn’t…you know, falling apart. This might sound difficult to achieve but it’s actually really, really easy with just four steps.
Make it look like your life isn’t falling apart in four easy steps
1. Cropped AF. 90% of lifestyle photography is cropping the shot until there’s nothing ugly in the background. If the clutter doesn’t make it into the shot, is your house still a trash heap? The answer is a definitive no.
2. Add Sugar. Nothing makes your photos look classy like macarons, frosted donuts and cupcakes. This makes it appear as though you have nothing but time on your hands to sip a latte at a Parisian cafe and not worry about calories. After you take the photo of a single donut, eat the entire the box and tell no one. Calories don’t count if they aren’t Instagrammed.
3. Pretend to Love Minimalism. Uh-oh, people might start to notice that you’re wearing the same clothes in all your photos. Tell your Instagram followers you are creating a “capsule wardrobe.” This will make you temporarily forget the fact that you want to cry into your undone piles of laundry at night.
4. Use Creative License on Captions. “Great start to the day! I hiked a mountain and did yoga at the summit while the sun rose. #morningslikethese.” Caption your photos to successfully deflect away from the fact that you’re in yoga pants today because it’s a day that ends in -y, not because you actually worked out.
At the end of the day, we use social media to add beauty to a dark world. It’s reality mixed with a healthy dose of aspiration. So when you’re depressed about where your life is going, just scroll your own Instagram feed. You are a badass bitch who has at least one square foot of clean house, eats sprinkle donuts for breakfast, has a faux capsule wardrobe and did yoga once. Don’t let your real self forget: you are amazing.
Want more satire? Check out How to Shop For Baby Clothes.