Funny Vintage Valentines

The good people over at the online Vintage Valentine Museum acquire and painstakingly catalog vintage Valentine cards. Their work is commendable, and without them we would not be able to enjoy these gems from the past. For every innocent and cherubic retro Valentine’s card though, is one that didn’t exactly age well. The messages and images might have been cute in the 1930s, but today…well, see for yourself. This collection of mildly horrifying vintage cards may give you Valentine’s Day nightmares so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Funny Vintage ValentinesNothing says true love like calling her your Valentine Ho.

cupid“Say you’ll be mine!” Uhh…do I have a choice? This cupid looks positively homicidal.

bearI’d really rather you didn’t bear me any tidings at all. The only thing I wish for is to go back in time and have never seen this.

bear 2And when I thought it couldn’t get worse, this happened.

token catWhy do I have a sneaking suspicion that this cat’s “Token of Affection” is actually a giant turd left over from taking a dump somewhere in your house?

cat 2I think this cat loves her tuna, not you. Typical.

dog canningThe dog meat trade is illegal…right?

elephanttrunkNowadays, we’ve watched too much CSI to find living in a trunk with your stalker, I mean, Valentine, to be a selling point.

monkeyThis kid is understandably concerned about how this monkey got into his bedroom.

typewriterOh look, we found Don Draper’s childhood Valentine’s card.

pushedaroundvalentineWell, that sounds like a recipe for a healthy relationship.

car1Looks like she’s on the road to rehab and jail time rather than everlasting love.

watchyouThis card comes with a free restraining order!

Head over to Vintage Valentine Museum to see the entire cataloged collection–they’re not all weird!

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